Chapter 1
I wake up, go to work, go to the gym, eat, sleep, and repeat.
I can feel the drool on my face as I wake up from bed. It’s so hard to wake up as I only got 6 hours of sleep. I’m the type of girl that needs 10. I hurry up and get dressed so that I’m out the house within 15 minutes. I drive and go to my desk job in an office where I do the same thing over and over again. I walk in the front door and my coworker, Jacob, greets me.
“Hey Sophia! How are you?”
I reply, “I’m good, how about you?”
I could never really understand doing this pleasantry every morning, not like anyone actually wants to know what goes on in my life.
“I’m good.” He said.
I say, “That’s good, would you want to hang out after work today? I’m kind of craving seafood.”
He replies, “Sorry, I’m tired today, I can’t come.”
There goes that conversation. I start walking to my desk and my desk mate comes up and talks to me.
Julia says, “I don’t know why you ask him to hangout everyday, he says no every time you ask.”
I couldn’t tell her that I’m a hopeless believer in people’s ability to somehow change their mind someday even though it’s the same conversation over and over again.
Julia adds, “You’re kind of insane, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.”
Julia and I are friends because we can be on the same wavelength sometimes. “I just think that there’s no harm in asking. We gotta give him the benefit of the doubt. You never know, he might wake up someday and realize someone wanted to be his friend.” I say this, but somewhere in me, I feel like such a nuisance. I use excuses like, “he’s a loner so this would be good for him”, or “he doesn’t mind that I ask him everyday”. I could be wrong considering it’s not my place to label him as someone who’s all alone, but I don’t care.
I sit down and get started on work, typing away. The day ends with a pathetic interaction and a little bit of self-hatred going on in my head.
I go straight to the gym, lifting weights and doing cardio. Sometimes, I amount the lack of attention I get in these places from lack of eye contact or a resting bitch face. One thing I avoid thinking is how I’m not given any attention because I look ugly. The self-hatred I have for myself doesn’t need to start circulating in my head while I’m trying to work out. Although I think this way, I never do anything to attract attention to myself because even though I care how people view me, I don’t care enough to do anything about it.
I go home, make a meal, shower, bed rot scrolling through my phone and go to sleep. What a pathetic life indeed.
I wake up and it’s the weekend. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with weekends. Hate is involved because I hate how I can have self-destructive habits due to boredom. These habits usually start itching when I have absolutely nothing to do, aka the days off. I kind of feel disappointed in myself and too embarrassed to even tell you what these habits are.
Recently, I started door dashing to keep myself busy and earn some extra money. Let’s do it again this weekend.
I drop off food to a house and I can hear screaming and thuds inside. Fuck, why does this have to happen to me? I don’t know why, but I didn’t call the police.
Solorium 